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Raleigh, NC, United States
girl boss, animals, skylines, & makeup

Monday, February 1, 2016


Sorry to have been neglecting this blog, vs the new website I started: I guess I just wanted something more professional looking, but this is really more of my home. And too many people know about that site vs this one, and I'd like to keep a few confessions quiet to be honest. 

I'm in a venting mood. A mood I want to write about some of the fuckboys I've encountered in the last 6 months of my adulthood. One in particular, that I just can't seem to shake. I don't know what it is about this particular dude, yo, on the real. I've known him since HS and for some reason, he just makes my knees weak. Like, I seriously forget how to walk a straight line around this guy. When I think about him from an outside perspective, other than my own, I don't know what it is about him that gets me this way. He's not particularly good looking, he's not very nice, he's super detached from feelings and opening up or listening, and he's got horrible posture. He's also not very tall. He's not super short, but he's not very tall at all. The things he doesn't have are things that usually I won't tolerate without. But...I melt when I think about those sad little puppy dog shaped brown eyes, that hint of caramel/olive complexion, and those tatted chiseled arms. I just really wanna lick him from head to toe just thinking about how hot he is to ME. Everyone else sees him (all my hot girlfriends) and they say to me "bitch what the fuck is your damn problem, he is not hot, he's not even cute, and he treats you like shit". I would probably, totally, tell them the same thing if the sitch was reversed. But...I still can't stop. He's just so goddamn sexy to me! I have always loved an asshole. I like for a man to push my buttons a little, I like a challenge, honestly. But he goes too far with that shit, and honestly if he was anyone else, I'd cut him off, block his ass from all forms of communication, and never talk to him again or think of anyone else. Even right now he's not in my phone with a name but just his number like 910*******. LOL. It's like "experiment *** is calling/texting". I get so mad at him, he doesn't deserve a contact name. I know, that's crazy, but I know other girls do this too, so I am not alone on this one. 

The problem is he's in the military. He re-stationed recently out of state. So, I guess I don't really know what to expect. I understand he will have a life, and it's not like we have always been in contact--this was a recent unexpected fling/re-introduction from our former redeemed acquaintance. But, still, I guess I just felt this connection, and he admitted that too in the car during our (I guesso dinner date) and how all he could think about was kissing me...I mean, we just have this sexual chemistry or something. It's like thick air tension, yanno? There's some weird primal instinct to want to just jump each other, LOL, for lack of better explaining. 

Really, all this aside, all I wanted was for him to be genuine, for ONCE. He claimed he's reformed, he's sorry for the past, and that he's a lot different. He made it seem like we could be real friends, and I could talk to him whenever about anything, even when he left. So, I thought, okay, I will do that then. Because, I can talk a lot and I have a lot of thoughts and since I'm an introvert, like him, I thought this could be a good new thing. Someone to just connect with, who knows my past, and my present. Someone I could help get guidance on the future on--it wasn't about long distance relationships or any shit like that ... just a friend. Yeah yeah, a friend I think is totally hot and adorable, but honestly, he's such an ass even now, I just wanted the friendship in the back of my head...and heart.  

Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out the way he promised. He takes forever to text back, even when it seems like he's free. He prefers texts over calls, even though the communication is both ways and he knows I like to talk on the phone, and he just is very passive aggressive. It's like I still feel like I'm being treated like a joke, the way he used to do back in HS. It makes me feel really badly, and it fucks with my mood. I feel like cutting off all communication is ultimately the only solution, but in the event I'm being an oversensitive flower, I feel like I should thug it out and just take it for what it is -- light hearted chatter with sexual undertones. Truthfully, it's hurtful. He just kinda makes me feel not so important, and just some girl in NC he can toy with occasionally. Even writing this I'm calling my own damn self an idiot and telling myself it's simple--just stop talking to him. I know that's probably best to move forward, it's just that I do have feelings for him. I don't know what they mean or what they are -- I just care about him. I care about him waking up every day, if he had a good day, and if he thinks of me daily as I do him. I just kinda care that he lives well, and I care if he's lonely or sad. I know he had a horrible relationship end, and entered into another insecure one shortly after that first serious one ended. I cared that he felt broken. But he chooses not to open up, except one time--drunk. He's only honest and open and tender at very random and very rare moments with me. But it's enough to keep me in contact with him ...IDK now that I'm ending this post, I guess for my own well being, my own good or bad days--I guess I should just care only 'bout my damn self. Like everyone else that's "happy". Deleting all texts and contact # right NOW. xoxo Mel

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