I don't usually write about religion. I don't usually share too much personal detail on my blog. But I feel like this is some kind of therapy for me and a place to share my thoughts...maybe even reach someone out there feeling the same way. A tiny bit of my pain is released with each stroke of a key.
So, here goes my letter to God:
Please know that I am first off, so very grateful for all that you have blessed me with in my life. Thank you for keeping my family, friends, and loved ones all safe like I ask you to in my prayers. Thank you for every lesson, every sign, every gift that you have given me. I am eternally grateful for your love and that you've never turned your back on me. You have always held me up when the pains of life seemed of great despair. And you have always protected me when danger and evil struck, and there are still times in my life where I know that I wouldn't have made it out alive without you...
I know that I am guilty of taking some blessings for granted sometimes. Instead of living and enjoying the moments as they're happening, I can get caught up in matters that don't really matter at all. Sometimes I let my mood and attitude affect my demeanor and my affection I put onto others, and sometimes I forget how lucky I truly am. I am sorry for those times God. Please forgive me for these things, for these faults of mine. I have a tremendous amount of guilt for them, and I kind of feel like one of my lessons now is about forgiving myself, and allowing room for growth and understanding...to learn from my mistakes and to walk a much finer line on the right path from here on out. So, with that being said, I forgive myself...truly...for all the things I'm holding onto with guilt and depression. I forgive myself.
God, I know you know about what's going on in my life right now, and my pain is so immense and tremendous right now. My heart literally feels broken, my soul aches, I feel physically sick to my stomach, to my very core. And yet when I think about it...why am I feeling this way? There is nothing wrong with two people being honest with each other; with admitting they both need time for themselves and to find their own personal happy selves again. If anything, this would be better for the relationship, even if the relationship never came to be again...it's about loving the other person so much, that making sure each other's happiness is number one...even if that means taking a break from a relationship. I pray that you can help calm my heart and soul through this time, that you will guide me through it with grace and great ease. Please don't leave my side, I don't usually consider myself a selfish prayer, but I really really need you right now to not leave me, because I feel like I'm losing those I never thought I would...and it hurts so much. Please help me get myself back, to learn to spread love and to be love. To love myself, to work on myself, to be grateful for my very life. Please help me learn to keep myself to myself only, and to never give my whole self over to another individual ever again. You are the only one that should ever have my whole self, my heart, and my soul. Those are always safe with you. Please protect my heart, and my soul. Let my loved one know how much I love him, truly, and that I love him enough to let him go peacefully, in hopes that he and he alone will become happy with his life and himself. Let his family know how much I love them, and how I cannot be there with them right now. I'm specifically talking about her...whom I think of as my own grandmother. I love her and I care about her, and I hope she can understand my distance. Time will heal this distance I hope. God please let my little buddy know that I love him dearly, and that I didn't choose to leave him like this, and that I will always love him. God please bless this house I sit in right now writing this, please bless the next place I live, please bless everyone whose ever touched my life, and please please please take my pain away...I do not want to be sad, especially after losing my uncle, who I miss so much and feel so much pain for my family for losing him so young. I know he is with you, I feel and I know that...but I am still so sad that I won't ever get to see him again on Christmas, or Thanksgiving...24 years of seeing him just wasn't enough. Tell my uncle how much I really truly loved and cared for him...how I missed his humor all these years he was so sick and sad, and that my heart always ached for him...that I will always miss him and that he is always in my heart. That we all loved him and cared for him, and that I thought he was one of the best men I ever knew. Because when he loved someone, he loved them forever, and his heart was so kind; I hope I can be like him in that way one day. He never let anything bother him, and that's the perfect way to live.
I hope you take this prayer and you fulfill it for me. I hope you know my infinite love for you, and that I try to spread as much love and joy in the world as I can every day, even when meanness is thrown my way. Please keep sending me your strength, and please let everything be alright...soon. I love you...and in your name I pray and believe in you always, Amen.