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Raleigh, NC, United States
girl boss, animals, skylines, & makeup

Sunday, June 12, 2016

No Love, No Love, Aye

Honestly, DOAF87 is HOME to my soul. I don't care that it's attached to Blogger, I love coming here...where no one knows about it really in my life and I can just vent and talk--and just use this platform as a sort of therapy for my heart and soul. So, that #fuckboy resurfaced recently. MONTHS of NO communication and a fucking random ass text to fuck up my day. Of course it was thrilling to hear from him, he even sent some selfies...and DAMN he looked GOOD. It sucks that I still have these feelings for someone that doesn't obvi give a flying monkey shit about me...I mean he opened up a little about some things he was going through, and he asked about me and was sure as hell very interested in my sexual life and my recent hook ups...he kept asking...not believing me when I told him I was celibate. I've been celibate since HIM. And I guess that's what he wanted to hear, but he sure as hell has been exploring Colorado like it's an end of the world revolution and his dick NEEDS to be bounced on or something. Sorry for the language, but I can be real here...right? 

Honestly I was detached and it felt good hearing from him. Like an old song on the radio that used to be your party jam, it feels good to hear it every now and again--but not every day. It was kind of like that...except the next few days I felt entitled to text him good morning(s) and goodnight(s) and I could tell he was back to his usual self--just temporarily using me when no one else was around to be vulnerable with (because I'm good at listening and helping people through vulnerable times)...but then he's right back to being an ass. He mentioned coming home in September and I was like "aww that's nice, you visiting your mom?" Because...yeah. But then he insinuated he wanted to see me when he comes home. And my mind was like FUUUUCK I've gained weight and been a depressed little bumble bee for months on end now--that gives me like 3 months (barely) to prepare...I just want to blow him away when he sees me. Not that looks are everything, but the more confident I feel, the better off that sitch will be in my opinion. UGHHH why are fuckboys so goddamn fineee? -M

Chloe Bag -- WANT

My dream bag called--and it's by Chloe. I love how understated chic it is, it's not flashy with logos and names dancing around screaming atcha face. Black screams sophisticated bitch...and I like that shit. I need this bag in my life...musttt starttt savinggg nowww!!! #gimmegimmegimme

Monday, February 1, 2016


Sorry to have been neglecting this blog, vs the new website I started: I guess I just wanted something more professional looking, but this is really more of my home. And too many people know about that site vs this one, and I'd like to keep a few confessions quiet to be honest. 

I'm in a venting mood. A mood I want to write about some of the fuckboys I've encountered in the last 6 months of my adulthood. One in particular, that I just can't seem to shake. I don't know what it is about this particular dude, yo, on the real. I've known him since HS and for some reason, he just makes my knees weak. Like, I seriously forget how to walk a straight line around this guy. When I think about him from an outside perspective, other than my own, I don't know what it is about him that gets me this way. He's not particularly good looking, he's not very nice, he's super detached from feelings and opening up or listening, and he's got horrible posture. He's also not very tall. He's not super short, but he's not very tall at all. The things he doesn't have are things that usually I won't tolerate without. But...I melt when I think about those sad little puppy dog shaped brown eyes, that hint of caramel/olive complexion, and those tatted chiseled arms. I just really wanna lick him from head to toe just thinking about how hot he is to ME. Everyone else sees him (all my hot girlfriends) and they say to me "bitch what the fuck is your damn problem, he is not hot, he's not even cute, and he treats you like shit". I would probably, totally, tell them the same thing if the sitch was reversed. But...I still can't stop. He's just so goddamn sexy to me! I have always loved an asshole. I like for a man to push my buttons a little, I like a challenge, honestly. But he goes too far with that shit, and honestly if he was anyone else, I'd cut him off, block his ass from all forms of communication, and never talk to him again or think of anyone else. Even right now he's not in my phone with a name but just his number like 910*******. LOL. It's like "experiment *** is calling/texting". I get so mad at him, he doesn't deserve a contact name. I know, that's crazy, but I know other girls do this too, so I am not alone on this one. 

The problem is he's in the military. He re-stationed recently out of state. So, I guess I don't really know what to expect. I understand he will have a life, and it's not like we have always been in contact--this was a recent unexpected fling/re-introduction from our former redeemed acquaintance. But, still, I guess I just felt this connection, and he admitted that too in the car during our (I guesso dinner date) and how all he could think about was kissing me...I mean, we just have this sexual chemistry or something. It's like thick air tension, yanno? There's some weird primal instinct to want to just jump each other, LOL, for lack of better explaining. 

Really, all this aside, all I wanted was for him to be genuine, for ONCE. He claimed he's reformed, he's sorry for the past, and that he's a lot different. He made it seem like we could be real friends, and I could talk to him whenever about anything, even when he left. So, I thought, okay, I will do that then. Because, I can talk a lot and I have a lot of thoughts and since I'm an introvert, like him, I thought this could be a good new thing. Someone to just connect with, who knows my past, and my present. Someone I could help get guidance on the future on--it wasn't about long distance relationships or any shit like that ... just a friend. Yeah yeah, a friend I think is totally hot and adorable, but honestly, he's such an ass even now, I just wanted the friendship in the back of my head...and heart.  

Unfortunately, it hasn't worked out the way he promised. He takes forever to text back, even when it seems like he's free. He prefers texts over calls, even though the communication is both ways and he knows I like to talk on the phone, and he just is very passive aggressive. It's like I still feel like I'm being treated like a joke, the way he used to do back in HS. It makes me feel really badly, and it fucks with my mood. I feel like cutting off all communication is ultimately the only solution, but in the event I'm being an oversensitive flower, I feel like I should thug it out and just take it for what it is -- light hearted chatter with sexual undertones. Truthfully, it's hurtful. He just kinda makes me feel not so important, and just some girl in NC he can toy with occasionally. Even writing this I'm calling my own damn self an idiot and telling myself it's simple--just stop talking to him. I know that's probably best to move forward, it's just that I do have feelings for him. I don't know what they mean or what they are -- I just care about him. I care about him waking up every day, if he had a good day, and if he thinks of me daily as I do him. I just kinda care that he lives well, and I care if he's lonely or sad. I know he had a horrible relationship end, and entered into another insecure one shortly after that first serious one ended. I cared that he felt broken. But he chooses not to open up, except one time--drunk. He's only honest and open and tender at very random and very rare moments with me. But it's enough to keep me in contact with him ...IDK now that I'm ending this post, I guess for my own well being, my own good or bad days--I guess I should just care only 'bout my damn self. Like everyone else that's "happy". Deleting all texts and contact # right NOW. xoxo Mel

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Happy Birthday - Coming Soon

These are all the things I am lusting over to start my "new year"! :) #28AndFabulous  XO

Friday, July 10, 2015

wishes on wishes on wishes

Totally starting overtime right NOW to purchase this beautiful LV bag! I need to sell my designer bags I simply do not wear anymore! I need this bag in my life!!! xo

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Positive Vibes Only.

This week so far has been a rough one for me. I've been doing a lot of inner self reflection, (something I usually stray from because it brings about depression), and I kind of had a "brat moment" today. I felt like my efforts were going unnoticed, like I was not of value, I wasn't an asset, and I wasn't as good as everyone else. I felt worthless. I really was doing amazing at staying positive, something that is very very very hard for a SCORPIO woman...let me just say. Hard because as a woman and as a Scorpio woman--I am hella...HELLA...emotional. Sometimes, it's not so easy to "check it at the 'doe" ...if you know what I mean. Sometimes I want to "church stomp" the floor and cry like a little spoiled baby about problems that I'm sure seem crazy trivial to some. But to me--it's like MAJOR. Typing this I'm laughing at myself...things could be MUCH worse. How could I be so spoiled? So self entitled? Why don't I just put on a clean pair of BIG GIRL PANTIES and dust those shoulders off? 

I got a tattoo this weekend. On my FINGER. ...My parents were SO not impressed BTW. It is on my right pointer finger, and it is an Evil Eye. The eye is green, reminiscent of my own colored eyes...and I got it for it's meaning. The Evil Eye is known to warn off evil, designed for self protection. Evil can come in many forms...jealousy, greed, anger, etc. etc. etc. . I got it specifically there to remind myself to not point at others for things that go wrong in my life, to try and practice being the best possible human being I can be. To make sure that I am protecting myself from evil energy, and to also practice every day sending out positive energy and vibes to all that cross my path. How beautiful is it to have a beautiful spirit? To smile at a stranger at a if forward anonymously, to genuinely give a damn about your fellow Man. I'll admit, getting a permanent tattoo is ballsy, and a little impulsive. But, at the end of the is my daily reminder. And I am vowing to myself today, at this moment, at this hour, to stay encouraged. To practice the act of love every day to everyone that may cross my path. I want to succeed, but I always want to do so while keeping my character and good heart intact. I hope that this post reaches someone at the same low point I was only a few hours ago, and I hope I've said something or typed something here that will resonate with you to practice the same type of goodwill towards yourself and others. God Bless, and much LOVE. XO Mel