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Raleigh, NC, United States
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Monday, December 17, 2012

To the Love of My Life:

Because I lost the person I love with all my heart, and since he doesn't exist anymore, and because I mourn my love...I wanted to write to that person I loved, that love of my life...

To my love,

I miss you so very much, in fact, that's an understatement. I miss everything about the way you were and the way we were. I get this rush of memories sometimes, especially when I'm trying to not think about you. I keep thinking about how happy we were in Arizona when I went to visit you and you surprised me with that trip, that was so amazing. I remember you coming home from school that week I was there so happy to see me there, still sleeping of course haha. You were so very sweet to me, and I loved you so much. You were my rock, I could tell you anything and you didn't judge me. You always knew how to calm me down. You would literally kiss my tears away. I remember after Carowinds, relaxing in the bath, talking about our much love and energy in that memory and moment. I remember you sending me flowers just because, the first time you met Khloie and how much she loved and adored you, making oreo cake for your family at my apartment together, skyping all night until we fell asleep because I was afraid of the dark...I remember moving in together, holidays together, getting Murphy together, getting back together...I remember every letter, every promise, every I love you. I wish you were able to skype right now like old times, I wish you still loved me like you did...I really never thought you could ever leave me like this. I always trusted you with everything because I always believed you. To say that I am crushed to the core is not enough...I am devastated. I know now that the love we had is probably gone from you...and even though I never thought it could ever leave again, it has...and I just want to tell you how much I'm going to miss you...every hello, goodbye, kiss, hug, touch...I'm going to miss it all. I will especially miss my favorite tattoo you have ...the cross...and those deep set puppy dog brown eyes. I'm going to miss you telling me you love me first, promising to never hurt me again, waking me up so sweetly...I'm going to miss all of those things I know I'll never get to feel or have again. I wish that you remembered as much as I do, I wish that you still shared that same love for me and want the same things we did together. But, I know that will not happen now. I'm never going to be okay with what has happened to us, especially since you have always been the good guy choice...but I can accept this ...this time around again. And hopefully one day put you completely behind me, because remembering is so hurtful, it hurts to breathe. It's funny that I feel so much pain and anxiety over this and you feel absolutely nothing. It makes me feel like you never could have loved me like you said you did if you really feel nothing. If you really don't want to make it work, to keep your promises. I'll never be able to wrap my head around why you feel nothing for me anymore, or why you would break the vow you made to me, but I have to believe in my heart that you need to be happy...and if you really only care about your own interests and if you really don't love me anymore like you once say you did, then I accept it. I don't understand, and it hurts to the bone, but I accept what you have done. I would love to say I will always love you, truth is I know I will...but I don't want to say it anymore, I want to give up...because saying it hurts so much more now that I know I'll never hear it back again. On your own terms. You don't get all this time to throw me away and get your life together baby, you don't get to be this selfish for 6 months...after promising me you'd never put me through this again. You don't get to say that you don't care about what you promised then, that you only care about yourself and right now. You don't get to hurt me like that over and over again for you to "figure things out". I should be a sure thing, like I thought I always was. Because you have always been my sure thing. As much as I love the man you were, and even though I still love you, you have hurt me more than any man has ever hurt me and I will never be the same because of it. You took my heart, the heart you promised to protect, and you broke it over and over again. You are being selfish, hateful, and you are giving up. You are breaking promises, futures, and let's not forget my heart. You have thrown me completely away like I am nothing. I am so sad to have lost you...but the truth is you died a long time ago inside. I don't know if you'll ever be back--and here to stay. I hope you and wish you so much happiness within your soul and heart. I wish you peace and love and light. I wish you to realize your love for me again, but I'm afraid that will never be again. I am moving on from you. I cannot take this hurt and this betrayal that you have shown me. I have no choice but to move on since you are shunning me from your life. I miss you and I love you so very much, the same as I always have. I always will.

I love you.

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