My Truth, My Depression - Part I

My depression is real.  It's something I've had for as long as I can remember, even when I was a child.  Although, it wasn't as consuming then, nor did it last all day and most days like my later adult years.  Sure, everyone says they have suffered with depression, and some even shrug it off as a right of passage, a soul-searching necessity to most people's lives.  There's this lifted veil glimpses I get of what it would be like to release this oppression's hold over me, and it's a beautiful peace and nostalgia that I crave very much.  A nirvana of feelings, it's like that first bite of Fall and the air is crispy and almost electric - your hair feels every tingle from the wind's tickle as the leaves rustle from its airy energy.  I can barely describe it, but in my mind, when I have these moments (often in Fall during my birth month of November) where I feel these intense feelings of joy and wonder, a long ago feeling of dreams I dreamed as a little girl.  They were dreams of what life would be like in my fantasy world for me as a grown woman.  There's flashes and scenes of me eating at a sophisticated dinner with a faceless, but obviously attractive and outlined man having dinner with me.  I'm in a gorgeous gown, I'm fine dining with diamonds, my hair is slicked back into a chic ponytail and my hair is blonde.  I am utterly sophisticated and enjoying a sexy dinner with what appears to be my One Love in this romantic fantasy in my head.  A moment out of Sex and the City, but all for me and myself.  It is me.  I am living.  I am happy, and I am not wasting my youth, my beauty, or my life.  There's other fantasies, one of my favorites is anytime I passed a baby clothing store or a kid's store in the malls.  Especially at holiday times, I'd walk by, this rush of air and nostalgia of dreams I'd be shopping with my Husband this time of year with our newborn baby or growing child and we are happy, laughing, and we have a cozy and wonderful home to go home to!  Insert candle smells of vanilla chai, happy jazz music and holiday classics, and warm sweet lovemaking with my Husband.  I have for years wanted to document these fantasies, these aren't just thoughts or fleeting ideas of what life could be.  It's almost like I've had this life before and I crave it, pieces of memories of a long ago life past I now am re-living in this life and realm.  Maybe it's also pre-destined and I'm having visions of my future.  Or, maybe it's all in my head and very wishful and hopeful, and overly 90's romantic nostalgia delusional.  The feeling of this delusion though, when I'm swept up in a moment of it - often brought on by nature - it feels very connected, Divine, and meaningful.  As if, if I keep hunkering down on my goals and paying attention and care to myself and others in this life, then I will have all these things come true and feel them indefinitely, not just for a fleeting moment.  Where is this woman in me that I dream of?  The woman who comes home to a very modern, cozy, sophisticated and clean home, works hard and is very appreciated at her job, and has a healthy and progressive relationship with a man who'd kill for her protection.  Are these really just dreams and delusions?  Could we all really be awakening to our spirit self's ultimate wants in this life and have the ability to manifest and prove action on these desires?  

The coronavirus scary times have caused much panic in me.  But I don't want to focus on the panic or manic feelings.  They have to do with people carelessly and thoughtlessly throwing around the coined term "new normal".  I hate that!  We should never throw the word "normal" on a situation like this.  We should not accept or believe that, either.  The tongue is powerful and so is the mind, and it angers me to hear people use this phrase.  Wearing a mask and not properly breathing clean air is NOT "normal".  People being so paranoid to live and enjoy our time on Earth with one another is NOT "normal".  Not being able to enjoy our communities and live free is NOT "normal".  In conclusion, let's STOP saying that bullshit!

My depression is no longer defeating me, because I am awakening.  I believe I am awakening to the Dark Night of the Soul (DNOTS).  It's something I stumbled upon, researching, months ago.  I believe I'm now on the path of healing and applying my lessons in my DNOTS journey.  There's a beginning period of shadow self expression and recognition, ego depleting and recognition/management, and finally enjoying the fruits of your hard self inner work.  There are many personality traits I didn't like about myself in various aspects of my life.  For example, in my professional life, I didn't like how I always took everything so personally and for that reason I overcompensated with "niceness" and "smiley-faced emails".  I am streamlining myself and sophisticating my work life by using much less of that "fluff" and understanding that mature professionals do not read too much into email etiquette and prefer straight-forward and short precise emails usually.  Basically, an arm's length from friendship, but a healthy distance with connecting and bonding in professional-personal balance tip-toeing.  What I'm saying is, never let your coworkers or bosses know too much about your real personal you.  They are not owed that privilege and it leaves you vulnerable to be judged.  Compartmentalize a professional persona that is not separate from your True Self, but elevated to a level that propels you professionally by allowing you to shine in only sophisticated and thoughtful light.  Not emotional, self-baggage light.  Essentially, don't become friends with your coworkers.  Keep them as coworkers, and this doesn't mean you won't love them or have a "work family", it just means that you draw a line/boundary of your True Self and your Professional Self.  They are different people and should not share the same comfort level with all you walk with in this life.

While quarantined, I've made it a fighting point (and fighting my OCD perfectionist self it was) to deep-clean every spot of my place and declutter EVERYTHING!  It's taken a long time, even for a one bedroom and one bath, because I'm literally turning EVERYTHING over!  I am a perfectionist, and I need to take several breaks because this process has been very overwhelming.  Working from Home is what sort of propelled me into this, and forced me to start this entire process.  I cannot Work from Home in a cluttered, dirty space.  It's just not something I can navigate or process.  My depression had gotten so bad, I had neglected to care for my personal space and therefore I am now making up for that time period and loving myself and my home with TLC.  Slowly but surely, I will succeed.

This is Part One.  I hope this resonates with you.

XX  Melissa