Don't Let the Dark In

What is going on in the world right now?  More than divides, there's an undeniable Great Awakening no matter which side you are on.  I don't necessarily mean politically, I care very little for such snide options and titles.  A false world, suddenly realizing the facade, we are all awakening to a collective consciousness of what is actual reality.  Living in a time of such duress, it can feel isolating and dark when you're someone who lives alone.  During this time, "quarantined" during a PLANDEMIC (my opinion, so don't send for me - I can't promise I'll be nice), I've tried to let my guard down to those I thought I could trust, only to be reminded with great let-down that there is absolutely no one in this world you can turn to for the REAL SHIT.  I haven't been lucky, or blessed in that capacity, if there is actually anyone that can qualify or attest to a different experience.  For most Empaths, Indigos, Starseeds...we can only hope to meet in "real life" versus the virtual ties we seem to only share at this time.  While I am grateful for the virtual lessons and relationships, they are not deep enough to resonate on the same frequency as my own Spirit.  I've tried to think "positive" during the painstaking dark moments that come over me in tsunami waves.  But, the dark lingers ever more.  Choke-holding grip, like a battered wife, I am battered for life it seems and I cannot escape this spiritual trauma and warfare either from out or from in.  Why can't I be free?  I falsely live in a world pretending to be those four letters, contrived to one word, by definition.  But, we are not free.  The next best thing is to free your mind and soul within yourself, unplug from "the matrix" that is life.  But, I can't.  Suffocating inside, badly, at every turn and every thought; there seems to be no end in sight for the darkness that consumes me and overtakes me often.  It's almost claimed my life several times, but I keep holding onto this little tiny flicker ember that tells me one day I'll be okay.  One day, the smoldering ember says, you will be able to share your testimony.  BUT, WHEN IS THE DAY?!  Wasting away during my precious thirties, and it all aches inside more than I ever thought possible.  Having been numb to wasting earthly time, money, and concern over stupid superficiality, I cannot seem to make amends with my very Soul.  Even now, as my dog barks on the patio she just HAD to go out to, while I'm currently typing away and pooping, I yell, "LIVE WITH YOUR CHOICE".  Hilarious, right?  I try so hard to be calm.  To be love.  To be light.  To be PATIENCE - but it all is weighing on me like that of Andre the Giant, and I can barely catch air or a breath to remember how to even exist at all.  I used to shop to cure anxiety.  I have no desire to truly consume anymore.  Having shed away most of my beloved possessions, I desire peace more than anything, but it seems to be out of stock everywhere I try to find it.  Trauma.  Could I really be that bad off mentally?  Could there be permanent damage somehow to my precious brain?  Should I purchase a full body scan to see if anything is ailing me and causing this much personal stress and pitfall?  A pitfall that I have lived in for years, buried in a dark trench.  Alone and weeping for the masses and all that do harm in our world.  An Empath cannot simply find peace.  

So how do we hang on?  How do I shift this perspective that has failed me every turn - not just during the PLANDEMIC - but throughout the last decade, if not longer than that.  I long to walk and hold hands with PEACE.  Stroke its hair and rub its feet.  Cook it dinner and rub its belly, all while laughing and sharing my day.  PEACE, could you marry me?  Could you enter me, thrusting for my name?  Would you change my name to yours, would you let me in and answer the door?  

I sure hope I can walk on solid ground...not just one day...not just soon...but, prayerfully and desperately...soon.

X Mel