Cue the song that plays over and over in my head, "So I Thought" by Flyleaf. It resonates so well with the past for me, I cannot listen to this song without a flood of emotions that make me want to curl into a ball and cry. I love this song, it's beautiful, but it makes me so very sad. How incredibly cruel life and love can be, never able to fully be yourself and make mistakes and fuck it all up without losing the love that surrounded you once as major consequence. It hurts in places I can't reach to heal, and it makes any memories I had taste bitter like lemon left in your water for too long. It's not refreshing, it's sour, and it hurts.
I think what really pains me is the youth mistakes that I made and the time I'll never get back for it, however, isn't that what makes it all so beautiful, too? I think my depression has a way of clouding the beauty of my failures and my memories have a way of only fixating on those times that seemed doting and perfectly in line with "love". There's so many reasons to be happy this moment and so many things that make life worth living right now! It's a funny thing really how depression can trick us into staying sad and fixating on mistakes and the past tumultuous times. There really is so much now to apply my lessons to and to be grateful that I'm still thriving and alive. I sort of believe, or rather, I like to believe that everything does happen for a reason and also what is meant to be yours will always be yours. And what's not simply will not. That gives me comfort and a huge heart flutter of love and love for God in my heart.
I'm feeling a little more upbeat today than I have been and I'm really happy about it, thank God!
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