My Truth, My Depression - Part I

My depression is real.  It's something I've had for as long as I can remember, even when I was a child.  Although, it wasn't as consuming then, nor did it last all day and most days like my later adult years.  Sure, everyone says they have suffered with depression, and some even shrug it off as a right of passage, a soul-searching necessity to most people's lives.  There's this lifted veil glimpses I get of what it would be like to release this oppression's hold over me, and it's a beautiful peace and nostalgia that I crave very much.  A nirvana of feelings, it's like that first bite of Fall and the air is crispy and almost electric - your hair feels every tingle from the wind's tickle as the leaves rustle from its airy energy.  I can barely describe it, but in my mind, when I have these moments (often in Fall during my birth month of November) where I feel these intense feelings of joy and wonder, a long ago feeling of dreams I dreamed as a little girl.  They were dreams of what life would be like in my fantasy world for me as a grown woman.  There's flashes and scenes of me eating at a sophisticated dinner with a faceless, but obviously attractive and outlined man having dinner with me.  I'm in a gorgeous gown, I'm fine dining with diamonds, my hair is slicked back into a chic ponytail and my hair is blonde.  I am utterly sophisticated and enjoying a sexy dinner with what appears to be my One Love in this romantic fantasy in my head.  A moment out of Sex and the City, but all for me and myself.  It is me.  I am living.  I am happy, and I am not wasting my youth, my beauty, or my life.  There's other fantasies, one of my favorites is anytime I passed a baby clothing store or a kid's store in the malls.  Especially at holiday times, I'd walk by, this rush of air and nostalgia of dreams I'd be shopping with my Husband this time of year with our newborn baby or growing child and we are happy, laughing, and we have a cozy and wonderful home to go home to!  Insert candle smells of vanilla chai, happy jazz music and holiday classics, and warm sweet lovemaking with my Husband.  I have for years wanted to document these fantasies, these aren't just thoughts or fleeting ideas of what life could be.  It's almost like I've had this life before and I crave it, pieces of memories of a long ago life past I now am re-living in this life and realm.  Maybe it's also pre-destined and I'm having visions of my future.  Or, maybe it's all in my head and very wishful and hopeful, and overly 90's romantic nostalgia delusional.  The feeling of this delusion though, when I'm swept up in a moment of it - often brought on by nature - it feels very connected, Divine, and meaningful.  As if, if I keep hunkering down on my goals and paying attention and care to myself and others in this life, then I will have all these things come true and feel them indefinitely, not just for a fleeting moment.  Where is this woman in me that I dream of?  The woman who comes home to a very modern, cozy, sophisticated and clean home, works hard and is very appreciated at her job, and has a healthy and progressive relationship with a man who'd kill for her protection.  Are these really just dreams and delusions?  Could we all really be awakening to our spirit self's ultimate wants in this life and have the ability to manifest and prove action on these desires?  

The coronavirus scary times have caused much panic in me.  But I don't want to focus on the panic or manic feelings.  They have to do with people carelessly and thoughtlessly throwing around the coined term "new normal".  I hate that!  We should never throw the word "normal" on a situation like this.  We should not accept or believe that, either.  The tongue is powerful and so is the mind, and it angers me to hear people use this phrase.  Wearing a mask and not properly breathing clean air is NOT "normal".  People being so paranoid to live and enjoy our time on Earth with one another is NOT "normal".  Not being able to enjoy our communities and live free is NOT "normal".  In conclusion, let's STOP saying that bullshit!

My depression is no longer defeating me, because I am awakening.  I believe I am awakening to the Dark Night of the Soul (DNOTS).  It's something I stumbled upon, researching, months ago.  I believe I'm now on the path of healing and applying my lessons in my DNOTS journey.  There's a beginning period of shadow self expression and recognition, ego depleting and recognition/management, and finally enjoying the fruits of your hard self inner work.  There are many personality traits I didn't like about myself in various aspects of my life.  For example, in my professional life, I didn't like how I always took everything so personally and for that reason I overcompensated with "niceness" and "smiley-faced emails".  I am streamlining myself and sophisticating my work life by using much less of that "fluff" and understanding that mature professionals do not read too much into email etiquette and prefer straight-forward and short precise emails usually.  Basically, an arm's length from friendship, but a healthy distance with connecting and bonding in professional-personal balance tip-toeing.  What I'm saying is, never let your coworkers or bosses know too much about your real personal you.  They are not owed that privilege and it leaves you vulnerable to be judged.  Compartmentalize a professional persona that is not separate from your True Self, but elevated to a level that propels you professionally by allowing you to shine in only sophisticated and thoughtful light.  Not emotional, self-baggage light.  Essentially, don't become friends with your coworkers.  Keep them as coworkers, and this doesn't mean you won't love them or have a "work family", it just means that you draw a line/boundary of your True Self and your Professional Self.  They are different people and should not share the same comfort level with all you walk with in this life.

While quarantined, I've made it a fighting point (and fighting my OCD perfectionist self it was) to deep-clean every spot of my place and declutter EVERYTHING!  It's taken a long time, even for a one bedroom and one bath, because I'm literally turning EVERYTHING over!  I am a perfectionist, and I need to take several breaks because this process has been very overwhelming.  Working from Home is what sort of propelled me into this, and forced me to start this entire process.  I cannot Work from Home in a cluttered, dirty space.  It's just not something I can navigate or process.  My depression had gotten so bad, I had neglected to care for my personal space and therefore I am now making up for that time period and loving myself and my home with TLC.  Slowly but surely, I will succeed.

This is Part One.  I hope this resonates with you.

XX  Melissa

Years Go By...And I Still Can't Talk About It.

Cue the song that plays over and over in my head, "So I Thought" by Flyleaf.  It resonates so well with the past for me, I cannot listen to this song without a flood of emotions that make me want to curl into a ball and cry.  I love this song, it's beautiful, but it makes me so very sad.  How incredibly cruel life and love can be, never able to fully be yourself and make mistakes  and fuck it all up without losing the love that surrounded you once as major consequence.  It hurts in places I can't reach to heal, and it makes any memories I had taste bitter like lemon left in your water for too long.  It's not refreshing, it's sour, and it hurts.  

I think what really pains me is the youth mistakes that I made and the time I'll never get back for it, however, isn't that what makes it all so beautiful, too?  I think my depression has a way of clouding the beauty of my failures and my memories have a way of only fixating on those times that seemed doting and perfectly in line with "love".  There's so many reasons to be happy this moment and so many things that make life worth living right now!  It's a funny thing really how depression can trick us into staying sad and fixating on mistakes and the past tumultuous times.  There really is so much now to apply my lessons to and to be grateful that I'm still thriving and alive.  I sort of believe, or rather, I like to believe that everything does happen for a reason and also what is meant to be yours will always be yours.  And what's not simply will not.  That gives me comfort and a huge heart flutter of love and love for God in my heart.  

I'm feeling a little more upbeat today than I have been and I'm really happy about it, thank God!

No Longer a Twenty-Something, but a Thirty-Something

This blog feels like home.  The cover is outdated (top picture poorly photo shopped of my favorite things at the time) and the theme is a little 2011-cliche, but I still feel butterflies when I come back here to write because it's where my drive and desire to be somebody all started.  It's where I visually posted my dreams, wrote from my heart, and where I lusted and coveted my favorite fashion pieces of the moment.  I'm not even sure why I come back here, since I have a WordPress now, but I don't feel like WordPress is home.  This sweet little spot is mine, all mine, and it just feels right.  Maybe it's because when I made this blog I really wanted so badly the Louis Vuitton Speedy 30 because I thought it would elevate me (it did in some ways), and now that I have one, I'm wearing it today ironically (fresh out of storage over the weekend), I come here and I feel a sense of accomplishment.  Even superficially, it feels good. But I know I've accomplished even more than that, as this blog is a reflection of my twenties and all the chaos that went down with it.  It's been through every relationship, every hurt, every purchase, and everything in between the ups and downs of a twenty-something young woman.  Here I am typing, I'll be thirty-two this year, and I envy my naive twenty-something self.  She didn't know she'd end up here, half alive and half dead inside with a severe mounting depression and several heart shatters later.  I've got a few gray hairs I don't bother plucking anymore, I hardly make the effort to slap on makeup daily, and my hair is never perfectly polished like I'd dreamed it would be by now.  Yep, almost thirty-two and I still don't have my "shit together".  What the fuck does that even mean anymore anyways?  My rent is paid, my bills are paid, my family is somewhat alive still, and I have my health...a little.  At least that's some shit that is actually together.  I guess I figured I'd find a day when everything felt accomplished and everything felt "in its place".  I haven't.  Almost 10 years have flown by (and I do mean flown) and I'm still as lost as ever inside.  The things I thought I wanted, I don't even know if I ever did, and the people I thought would always be there aren't.  It's like I'm starting completely over and that is very scary.  I feel manic and unhappy most days at work when I have no reason to be anything but grateful.  For some reason I just cannot find the luster or spark of joy in the simple things anymore.  I wasted a whole weekend online window-shopping instead of stimulating my surroundings and loved ones and sharing a beautiful weekend memory with them.  I feel ashamed, I feel scared, and I feel embarrassed.  The key is within me and yet I've lost the fucking key.  What are we if we are not our habits?  I desperately (I hate using this word, but it's true here) want to fight for the life I've day-dreamed about for most of my young adult life.  I want it all, and I don't want to add a "but" in here ...I just want to make it happen!  Currently trying to pull myself together this Monday, write down some to-do's, and hold myself accountable.  I know I can do this, I've just got to pull into my soul and find the passion I've lost and haven't regained.  It can't just disappear forever, if it was ever there in the first place, it's still there.  

Positive Vibes Only.

This week so far has been a rough one for me. I've been doing a lot of inner self reflection, (something I usually stray from because it brings about depression), and I kind of had a "brat moment" today. I felt like my efforts were going unnoticed, like I was not of value, I wasn't an asset, and I wasn't as good as everyone else. I felt worthless. I really was doing amazing at staying positive, something that is very very very hard for a SCORPIO woman...let me just say. Hard because as a woman and as a Scorpio woman--I am hella...HELLA...emotional. Sometimes, it's not so easy to "check it at the 'doe" ...if you know what I mean. Sometimes I want to "church stomp" the floor and cry like a little spoiled baby about problems that I'm sure seem crazy trivial to some. But to me--it's like MAJOR. Typing this I'm laughing at myself...things could be MUCH worse. How could I be so spoiled? So self entitled? Why don't I just put on a clean pair of BIG GIRL PANTIES and dust those shoulders off? 

I got a tattoo this weekend. On my FINGER. ...My parents were SO not impressed BTW. It is on my right pointer finger, and it is an Evil Eye. The eye is green, reminiscent of my own colored eyes...and I got it for it's meaning. The Evil Eye is known to warn off evil, designed for self protection. Evil can come in many forms...jealousy, greed, anger, etc. etc. etc. . I got it specifically there to remind myself to not point at others for things that go wrong in my life, to try and practice being the best possible human-being I can be. To make sure that I am protecting myself from evil energy, and to also practice every day sending out positive energy and vibes to all that cross my path. How beautiful is it to have a beautiful spirit? To smile at a stranger at a stoplight...pay if forward anonymously, to genuinely give a damn about your fellow Man. I'll admit, getting a permanent tattoo is ballsy, and a little impulsive. But, at the end of the day...it is my daily reminder. And I am vowing to myself today, at this moment, at this hour, to stay encouraged. To practice the act of love every day to everyone that may cross my path. I want to succeed, but I always want to do so while keeping my character and good heart intact. I hope that this post reaches someone at the same low point I was only a few hours ago, and I hope I've said something or typed something here that will resonate with you to practice the same type of goodwill towards yourself and others. God Bless, and much LOVE.

*Update, this pic was never posted to this original post, but as I'm going through and re-posting old diary entries that I had listed as "drafts" for privacy, I'm updating and posting them again...diary entries are beautiful to read and reflect on in the future.  Here's the tat, and a new finger tat that I never posted about, ha!  Update dated 6/24/19 at 10:26 AM.

 XO Mel

Day 2 of being completely betrayed and heartbroken:

Well...this shit sucks. But, I mean...whatever right? I lived the first 22.5 years without him...I can live the next, right? I hate loving someone that has hurt me so much but I can't change how I feel. Being with someone that has 2 complete different ways about them...and never knowing who you're going to get to deal with is really really hard. I wrote him, called him...basically waived buh bye to my dignity...but fuck that because I had MY shit to say and my peace to make. My peace was telling him that I think I am the one for him and him the one for me...and I haven't heard back...there's also some things I can't mention that I personally am still going through...and I did tell him in a message...but obviously he doesn't care...even if it does affect him too. Oh well. LoVe...doesn't always last. LoVe doesn't always blanket you in sweet caresses and kisses at night or on xmas eves...LoVe doesn't always make it through the storm. Sometimes, love gives up...and leaves you alone in the darkness. Only then you have yourself to crawl out of it...and that's really fucking hard to do. How can I not feel like absolute shit after the love of my so called life just told me he doesn't love me, and that he thinks there's literally someone better out there for him. Take that self-esteem (that was already dwindling). My heart...besides being broken...thankfully, I think God is answering my prayers to just sedate me emotionally and numb the pain for now. Maybe, forever if possible. To feel nothing right now is much better than feeling anymore pain. Thinking about him is a constant mind fuck. When I think of him, I think of every single good time. I have to shut these thoughts down quickly before I get too wrapped up in them and forget that it's never going to be like that again. The thought of being 25 and single...well...that's just...hard. I spent so much of my life with him, making a life for "us" that I don't remember how to just be "me" anymore solo. It hurts to know that everything he promised, swore, brought me back for...literally looking me in my eyes with his deep set brown eyes saying that "I'll never ever let anything happen to you, and I'll never put you through this again for as long as I live...I love you Melissa". I can only blame myself...I trust. I trust-ed. I gave him my benefit of my doubt...and he left me, used me first, and ultimately left me after basically stabbing me in the chest with a cold rusty knife. Well, I'll have to keep figuring out how to make it through, regardless of which turn of events life leads me to. LoVe...has turned it's back on me when it promised it never would. LoVe...is something I just don't believe in anymore. It even hurts to breathe right now...hopefully my God will take these hard breaths and make them light again so I can get by with some peace in the icebox that consumes what used to be my heart. Goodbye sweet memories, goodbye love that no longer loves me, goodbye to my future, my hopes, my dreams, my everything. 

*Update: After reading this at 10:54 AM on 6/24/19 (a mundane Monday), I felt like re-posting, because this is a part of my story and my broken heart at 25.  I remember every shitty broken nerve-ending the day I wrote this, and the pain is still there honestly.  It's dull, and lifeless a bit, but it's there.  I've never spoken to this person again, besides moving my shit out of our house back then.  From what I've heard through the miserable fucking grapevines that insist on passing this info along, besides some nasty fake ass rumors this douche spread about me to my ex before him (hilarious), he's happily with child (likely the anti-christ) and with (not sure if married) to the less-than-cute-or-desirable B.F.M..  They deserve(d) each other.