*Sigh*...heart hurts so much right about now. Will I ever feel whole again? God, I hope so. This is really it...and it hurts much worse than it did the last time. I wish I felt nothing, this is almost too much to take...I hope I can make it through this hurt. I feel so unloved, so thrown away, abused, and left behind. I have never been this sad my whole life...all this love...thrown down the drain. I know it's pointless, but I wish that time machines were real...as ridiculous as that sounds...to turn back time--why do I think about something that's just not going to happen as much as I do? Because this pain I feel in my heart, is more than just someone saying they no longer love me...it's losing my best friend, my other half, it's losing someone that I thought within 2 years I'd have a family of my own with. It's saying goodbye to sweet, blissful memories full of love and laughter...it's goodbye to our dogs playing together as we cuddle on the couch watching t.v. ...it's losing everything I ever loved, believed in, counted on...it's my dream that I've lost...I lost the man that had my back, that would catch me when I fell...I have lost everything that made me feel complete. This is utter sadness, this is the bottom. God, stand with me now...grab my hand and guide me through this dark time; show me light and some kind of love for myself again...please help me heal this broken heart. Please clear my mind, my soul, and my heart of this clutter of anger and sadness so I can enjoy what's left of the pieces to gather myself together again.
Oh ...help me now once and for all. I promise to never fall like this again... I'd rather live 1000 years alone than to ever feel this much pain in my heart again. I miss you...the fucked up part. I wish I could go back to the day you begged for me back, all the way back into your arms...just to hear you say how much you love me again, and that you'd always protect me...I wish life wasn't so cruel...I wish I could feel your breath on my lips again...I wish I could sleep on your chest as I always did, feeling so content and at peace within. Sadness has set in again...absolute sadness. I feel nothing but it...I wish to feel nothing. Sedate me God, take away this sting and thorn in my heart...make it right, please sweet God...make it right.
I wish I had someone to give me a giant hug and warm embrace right now...I could sure use some human touch to just hold me tight and let me cry...all night on their shoulder. I wish...to forget everything...and to never remember even the good times...because memories make me incredibly sad and bring about what is no more. I would rather live in nothing than to live in the past. The holiday cheer cannot bring me to happy thoughts...I have had my life turned upside down again...I have been thrown away again...I have been used...I have been let down...I have been betrayed. I don't want to ever love again. And I don't care to be loved again. I don't want anything to do with love. I want to be free of it for the rest of my life. I want to feel peace. That is all.
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