Well...this shit sucks. But, I mean...whatever right? I lived the first 22.5 years without him...I can live the next, right? I hate loving someone that has hurt me so much but I can't change how I feel. Being with someone that has 2 complete different ways about them...and never knowing who you're going to get to deal with is really really hard. I wrote him, called him...basically waived buh bye to my dignity...but fuck that because I had MY shit to say and my peace to make. My peace was telling him that I think I am the one for him and him the one for me...and I haven't heard back...there's also some things I can't mention that I personally am still going through...and I did tell him in a message...but obviously he doesn't care...even if it does affect him too. Oh well. LoVe...doesn't always last. LoVe doesn't always blanket you in sweet caresses and kisses at night or on xmas eves...LoVe doesn't always make it through the storm. Sometimes, love gives up...and leaves you alone in the darkness. Only then you have yourself to crawl out of it...and that's really fucking hard to do. How can I not feel like absolute shit after the love of my so called life just told me he doesn't love me, and that he thinks there's literally someone better out there for him. Take that self-esteem (that was already dwindling). My heart...besides being broken...thankfully, I think God is answering my prayers to just sedate me emotionally and numb the pain for now. Maybe, forever if possible. To feel nothing right now is much better than feeling anymore pain. Thinking about him is a constant mind fuck. When I think of him, I think of every single good time. I have to shut these thoughts down quickly before I get too wrapped up in them and forget that it's never going to be like that again. The thought of being 25 and single...well...that's just...hard. I spent so much of my life with him, making a life for "us" that I don't remember how to just be "me" anymore solo. It hurts to know that everything he promised, swore, brought me back for...literally looking me in my eyes with his deep set brown eyes saying that "I'll never ever let anything happen to you, and I'll never put you through this again for as long as I live...I love you Melissa". I can only blame myself...I trust. I trust-ed. I gave him my benefit of my doubt...and he left me, used me first, and ultimately left me after basically stabbing me in the chest with a cold rusty knife. Well, I'll have to keep figuring out how to make it through, regardless of which turn of events life leads me to. LoVe...has turned it's back on me when it promised it never would. LoVe...is something I just don't believe in anymore. It even hurts to breathe right now...hopefully my God will take these hard breaths and make them light again so I can get by with some peace in the icebox that consumes what used to be my heart. Goodbye sweet memories, goodbye love that no longer loves me, goodbye to my future, my hopes, my dreams, my everything.
*Update: After reading this at 10:54 AM on 6/24/19 (a mundane Monday), I felt like re-posting, because this is a part of my story and my broken heart at 25. I remember every shitty broken nerve-ending the day I wrote this, and the pain is still there honestly. It's dull, and lifeless a bit, but it's there. I've never spoken to this person again, besides moving my shit out of our house back then. From what I've heard through the miserable fucking grapevines that insist on passing this info along, besides some nasty fake ass rumors this douche spread about me to my ex before him (hilarious), he's happily with child (likely the anti-christ) and with (not sure if married) to the less-than-cute-or-desirable B.F.M.. They deserve(d) each other.
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