When A Stranger Calls...

After not seeing my "boyfriend" for about a month now...and not hearing from him for several weeks...he decided to call me, to tell me that he doesn't think we are working out for the millionth time and that I am not the one for him...that there is someone out there better for him than me. That was like taking a bullet. But, in many ways he is right...his delivery however is not. We love each other (even if he's "not sure" what love is...one day he is in love with me...the next he isn't)...but we do love each other...we just both want very different things in our lives right now. Maybe forever. But just because we don't want the same things now doesn't mean we aren't meant for each other. It just means we are not right...right now. I don't know why I hold onto him like I do...or why I make excuses like I am for why we're not perfect right now. It's incredibly hard and frustrating for me to think of our happy memories and to know there won't be anymore made together. That's the part that keeps me up at night...tears wielding, heart pounding...it's betrayal and hurt that keeps me from feeling the peace I need to feel to put this all to bed. The worst part of it all is that even though I really really really want to hate his guts and wish all the badness and pain on him in the world for putting me through this shit for the hundredth, if not thousandth time...I still love him. I still care about him, I still want his happiness...I still wish him well. Isn't that the sad fucked up part about love? When the other party screws you over, tells you the most hurtful things ever, and then proceeds to call out of the blue to tell you (as some sort of fucked up moral courtesy mind you) that they don't think you are right for them...that together this relationship does not make sense...and that all the promises, swearing on lives, the letters vowing to marry you one day...all of a sudden that was just how they felt in the moment. To think that a promise is only lived in a moment, well...we don't say the vows of marriage for today...only to forgo them tomorrow based on what we feel. We vow till death do us part. Same thing when you have a child. Sure, it's hard...life is a constant struggle caring for another being...but you can't just decide that just because one day is bad...that it's not meant to be bad tomorrow...that you would give up on your child. It happens...but that doesn't make it right. I asked him something that I shouldn't have. I asked him if he thought he would regret his decision and he said no. That took another bullet through my heart. But, you know...in the end...I feel like I have to keep the memories in my heart...and know that those were real moments that just unfortunately weren't meant to last. Maybe forever, maybe not...but that loving myself now more than ever is more important than any man or his "promises". Loving me and knowing that laying down next to my furry pillows and remote control and alarm clock at night is all I need...that love comes in many forms...and self love is the one I just might need the most of right now. And the biggest lesson: That the man that I put so much on, held up to the highest of standards, thought he'd always always be there to make sure I was protected (as he promised to do), the man that would always kiss away my tears, and never miss a smile...that he was gone...and it was HIS choice to give up on me. On us. It's hard to salvage that. It's hard to think that everything you thought you were to someone somehow came crashing down into a big fat nothing. Nothing can ever take this pain away but time, and lots of laughter and support from friends and even family. But mostly, the healing will come from within. To remember that somebody loving you is amazing, but it's not the make or break of ME. And most of all, to know that when somebody takes back that love, and falls out of it with you...that it's not MY fault. I often take blame for these things because it hurts so much to think that it's that easy to become un-loveable. And to end this on a somewhat comical note (because that's who I am)...I guess I can know that there is life after this pain...if Jennifer Aniston can do it--and not let Brad and Angelina ruin her beauty, career, or heart...then so can I. But on a REAL note: FUCK Brad and Angelina. And FUCK who ever doesn't love me. xo