GOD.

what do you do when the person you trusted with everything, and they told you to trust them has cheated on you (maybe not physically) but definitely cheated on you and now have turned their back on you, taken away your peace of mind, the love they promised back? i hate that she did this. i hate that she has to try and take away (this whole time) our happiness because she's jaded about what happened to her love. i'm sorry for you. i really am. i pray for you. i'd bless you if i could--but my prayers for you should bless you. stop trying to ruin the love of my life. leave us alone. i'm going numb. i don't even feel like making sense anymore... i hurt myself by going and looking at these "tweets" and i feel and know there's texts...my heart has this deep pit feeling of darkness and i feel scared and completely betrayed. i feel like beating the shit out of them. but i know i can't do that. i love him so much, and i'm tired of saying it. i'm so tired of fighting for us...i don't deserve to be promised the world and for him to constantly break my trust. for her? what the fuck? she will NEVER love you like i do...she is NOT the one for you. she will never love you at all matter of fact. she is NOT the person you are SUPPOSED to be with. do you remember the moles we have matching in the middle of our fingers? do you remember that time i kept calling you out of the blue and eventually you asked me to be yours? remember that i told you before coming back this time, that i need you to be sure--because i won't make it this time--because i am hard to handle sometimes, i get crazy, and i need you to calm me down and understand that i always love you...and you said yes and yes and yes that you will never leave me again you said "Melissa, i promise i will never hurt you again in my lifetime, i need you to believe me...i can only prove it through your trust again. you are the one for me Melissa, you always have been, i love you and i  will protect you forever in whatever way i have to. i will never let anything happen to you Melissa. you will never love me as much as i love you, because i have lost you and now i have found you again and i never want to lose this again." my heart is bleeding. i want to scream profanity, i want to rip her hair out...i want to bust windows, punch pillows, cry a million tears...i want to burn things down, i want to drive forever until i can't afford gas anymore...there are a million thoughts racing through my head, there are a thousand memories that constantly repeat in my mind like a movie. i know she wished this on me, she put thoughts in his mind, i know that this was the plan all along. i went to the psychic. as soon as i sat down to have my tarot reading--the cards revealed darkness surrounding my heart..."the Devil has taken your lover away, he is very confused". she said that we were very happy and someone was nice to my face and behind my back was willing him away from me from the beginning, a long time ago. that he was the person i was supposed to be with, grow old with, have children with...those were all things the cards showed too. she then said "there is another woman" and i said "i know". she was surprised..."why didn't you tell him of your fears of her?" "because he wouldn't listen, because that was disrespectful to him, because i love him and i didn't want to upset him." "she has bewitched him. but he still loves you, she has him confused." she told me i would come  out of the darkness very soon and that i need to follow my heart right now...let him know that i know about her (which i did before the psychic), and that i am here for him as his friend as he sorts out his feelings. she also told me i lost my faith in God and asked why. i told her that i felt so dark and empty inside, that this keeps happening to me...that even when D came back to me, that i felt like he would do this again--that i foreshadowed all this...and that is why i had so much resistance coming back to him. she told me i needed to find God again, specifically Jesus Christ. she told me that he will come back to me because we are meant for each other, we always have been. another psychic once told me this too. she said that this girl would never love him, she can't...and that she was a gold digger--that ultimately she just didn't want to see us happy together because she couldn't be happy with her love she had...anymore. i had started crying and she looked at me and said "baby, don't you worry, everything this girl has put out against you is coming back to her 9 times over". "she's already won, she has him...it's over". she then looked at me shocked, "you don't love him anymore?" "of course i love him, but he no longer loves me...he told me this and other very hurtful things that i didn't deserve to hear, that goes against everything he promised". she then looked at me and said "and you really believe he doesn't love you after all you've been through with him? he loves you, he is just very confused right now." she told me to pray, to find peace with God...that is most important and the rest will fall into place because what is bound to be and meant to be will be. i truly believe that this man is my soulmate. i believe that there are a lot of things that don't always go as planned, that i have personal struggles that don't help with my commitment to him and always turn into unnecessary arguments with him...and these are things i need to work on about myself. but he is also a commitment phobic person and he sees the world in black and white. i see the world in beautiful shades of gray. it hurts so much to lose the one you love after all he promised, after every makeup and breakup and bounds of trust...gone out the window...i feel that part of me is so numbed from it all, that mostly i feel like maybe he really is done with me. maybe i'll never get to be in his wonderful arms again. maybe he doesn't think about me, maybe he loves HER ...maybe it has nothing to do with her at all...i just know that i feel like i need to turn to God now, for myself. i don't want to feel this pain anymore. i don't want to be hurt over and over again by this man. i want once and for all for us to make our love together last...and it can and will if we both agree to work on ourselves and each other. this person is more than my lover, he was my best friend...my rock...my strength. i don't know what the future holds, but i know what i hope it holds. i hope that it holds us together, being happy as a family...somewhere down the road with little ones, a house, and loving our family we made together as well as the ones we were made from. but right now, i have to let this all go. i have to forgo everything...i have to forget it all. i just can't take saying "i love you" to him anymore and getting "ok" back. the hurtful hurtful words he used when i tried to grab him to hold him, i will never get that sentence out of my head. ever. i will never forget the amazing kindness and gentleness he showed me when he brought me back to him either. but the overwhelming hurt i feel now, the cuts i feel could literally bleed out my life from finding out about him and this girl...this is pain that i can not keep inside anymore. i do not want it. i will not have it. i am releasing it here and this is where it shall rest. also i am leaving behind my anger of it all. i will not be angry anymore. i don't harbor any ill will towards her or him. i harbor nothing but love and peace for them...for everyone.

i love him, always, yes...that's pretty clear. i am now though alone, with my thoughts, this terrible heartache, and of course my loving God. so here's my saving grace...which is the supreme being himself...thank you God for listening and for letting me share your nook and rest my head at night as i heal...if not anywhere near fully--at least piece by piece. and eventually i know this darkness will shed, and i can live in the sunshine again. i just want to feel peace again, to love again, to have love again, to be ME again. xo