Don't Let the Dark In

What is going on in the world right now?  More than divides, there's an undeniable Great Awakening no matter which side you are on.  I don't necessarily mean politically, I care very little for such snide options and titles.  A false world, suddenly realizing the facade, we are all awakening to a collective consciousness of what is actual reality.  Living in a time of such duress, it can feel isolating and dark when you're someone who lives alone.  During this time, "quarantined" during a PLANDEMIC (my opinion, so don't send for me - I can't promise I'll be nice), I've tried to let my guard down to those I thought I could trust, only to be reminded with great let-down that there is absolutely no one in this world you can turn to for the REAL SHIT.  I haven't been lucky, or blessed in that capacity, if there is actually anyone that can qualify or attest to a different experience.  For most Empaths, Indigos, Starseeds...we can only hope to meet in "real life" versus the virtual ties we seem to only share at this time.  While I am grateful for the virtual lessons and relationships, they are not deep enough to resonate on the same frequency as my own Spirit.  I've tried to think "positive" during the painstaking dark moments that come over me in tsunami waves.  But, the dark lingers ever more.  Choke-holding grip, like a battered wife, I am battered for life it seems and I cannot escape this spiritual trauma and warfare either from out or from in.  Why can't I be free?  I falsely live in a world pretending to be those four letters, contrived to one word, by definition.  But, we are not free.  The next best thing is to free your mind and soul within yourself, unplug from "the matrix" that is life.  But, I can't.  Suffocating inside, badly, at every turn and every thought; there seems to be no end in sight for the darkness that consumes me and overtakes me often.  It's almost claimed my life several times, but I keep holding onto this little tiny flicker ember that tells me one day I'll be okay.  One day, the smoldering ember says, you will be able to share your testimony.  BUT, WHEN IS THE DAY?!  Wasting away during my precious thirties, and it all aches inside more than I ever thought possible.  Having been numb to wasting earthly time, money, and concern over stupid superficiality, I cannot seem to make amends with my very Soul.  Even now, as my dog barks on the patio she just HAD to go out to, while I'm currently typing away and pooping, I yell, "LIVE WITH YOUR CHOICE".  Hilarious, right?  I try so hard to be calm.  To be love.  To be light.  To be PATIENCE - but it all is weighing on me like that of Andre the Giant, and I can barely catch air or a breath to remember how to even exist at all.  I used to shop to cure anxiety.  I have no desire to truly consume anymore.  Having shed away most of my beloved possessions, I desire peace more than anything, but it seems to be out of stock everywhere I try to find it.  Trauma.  Could I really be that bad off mentally?  Could there be permanent damage somehow to my precious brain?  Should I purchase a full body scan to see if anything is ailing me and causing this much personal stress and pitfall?  A pitfall that I have lived in for years, buried in a dark trench.  Alone and weeping for the masses and all that do harm in our world.  An Empath cannot simply find peace.  

So how do we hang on?  How do I shift this perspective that has failed me every turn - not just during the PLANDEMIC - but throughout the last decade, if not longer than that.  I long to walk and hold hands with PEACE.  Stroke its hair and rub its feet.  Cook it dinner and rub its belly, all while laughing and sharing my day.  PEACE, could you marry me?  Could you enter me, thrusting for my name?  Would you change my name to yours, would you let me in and answer the door?  

I sure hope I can walk on solid ground...not just one day...not just soon...but, prayerfully and desperately...soon.

X Mel  

My Truth, My Depression - Part I

My depression is real.  It's something I've had for as long as I can remember, even when I was a child.  Although, it wasn't as consuming then, nor did it last all day and most days like my later adult years.  Sure, everyone says they have suffered with depression, and some even shrug it off as a right of passage, a soul-searching necessity to most people's lives.  There's this lifted veil glimpses I get of what it would be like to release this oppression's hold over me, and it's a beautiful peace and nostalgia that I crave very much.  A nirvana of feelings, it's like that first bite of Fall and the air is crispy and almost electric - your hair feels every tingle from the wind's tickle as the leaves rustle from its airy energy.  I can barely describe it, but in my mind, when I have these moments (often in Fall during my birth month of November) where I feel these intense feelings of joy and wonder, a long ago feeling of dreams I dreamed as a little girl.  They were dreams of what life would be like in my fantasy world for me as a grown woman.  There's flashes and scenes of me eating at a sophisticated dinner with a faceless, but obviously attractive and outlined man having dinner with me.  I'm in a gorgeous gown, I'm fine dining with diamonds, my hair is slicked back into a chic ponytail and my hair is blonde.  I am utterly sophisticated and enjoying a sexy dinner with what appears to be my One Love in this romantic fantasy in my head.  A moment out of Sex and the City, but all for me and myself.  It is me.  I am living.  I am happy, and I am not wasting my youth, my beauty, or my life.  There's other fantasies, one of my favorites is anytime I passed a baby clothing store or a kid's store in the malls.  Especially at holiday times, I'd walk by, this rush of air and nostalgia of dreams I'd be shopping with my Husband this time of year with our newborn baby or growing child and we are happy, laughing, and we have a cozy and wonderful home to go home to!  Insert candle smells of vanilla chai, happy jazz music and holiday classics, and warm sweet lovemaking with my Husband.  I have for years wanted to document these fantasies, these aren't just thoughts or fleeting ideas of what life could be.  It's almost like I've had this life before and I crave it, pieces of memories of a long ago life past I now am re-living in this life and realm.  Maybe it's also pre-destined and I'm having visions of my future.  Or, maybe it's all in my head and very wishful and hopeful, and overly 90's romantic nostalgia delusional.  The feeling of this delusion though, when I'm swept up in a moment of it - often brought on by nature - it feels very connected, Divine, and meaningful.  As if, if I keep hunkering down on my goals and paying attention and care to myself and others in this life, then I will have all these things come true and feel them indefinitely, not just for a fleeting moment.  Where is this woman in me that I dream of?  The woman who comes home to a very modern, cozy, sophisticated and clean home, works hard and is very appreciated at her job, and has a healthy and progressive relationship with a man who'd kill for her protection.  Are these really just dreams and delusions?  Could we all really be awakening to our spirit self's ultimate wants in this life and have the ability to manifest and prove action on these desires?  

The coronavirus scary times have caused much panic in me.  But I don't want to focus on the panic or manic feelings.  They have to do with people carelessly and thoughtlessly throwing around the coined term "new normal".  I hate that!  We should never throw the word "normal" on a situation like this.  We should not accept or believe that, either.  The tongue is powerful and so is the mind, and it angers me to hear people use this phrase.  Wearing a mask and not properly breathing clean air is NOT "normal".  People being so paranoid to live and enjoy our time on Earth with one another is NOT "normal".  Not being able to enjoy our communities and live free is NOT "normal".  In conclusion, let's STOP saying that bullshit!

My depression is no longer defeating me, because I am awakening.  I believe I am awakening to the Dark Night of the Soul (DNOTS).  It's something I stumbled upon, researching, months ago.  I believe I'm now on the path of healing and applying my lessons in my DNOTS journey.  There's a beginning period of shadow self expression and recognition, ego depleting and recognition/management, and finally enjoying the fruits of your hard self inner work.  There are many personality traits I didn't like about myself in various aspects of my life.  For example, in my professional life, I didn't like how I always took everything so personally and for that reason I overcompensated with "niceness" and "smiley-faced emails".  I am streamlining myself and sophisticating my work life by using much less of that "fluff" and understanding that mature professionals do not read too much into email etiquette and prefer straight-forward and short precise emails usually.  Basically, an arm's length from friendship, but a healthy distance with connecting and bonding in professional-personal balance tip-toeing.  What I'm saying is, never let your coworkers or bosses know too much about your real personal you.  They are not owed that privilege and it leaves you vulnerable to be judged.  Compartmentalize a professional persona that is not separate from your True Self, but elevated to a level that propels you professionally by allowing you to shine in only sophisticated and thoughtful light.  Not emotional, self-baggage light.  Essentially, don't become friends with your coworkers.  Keep them as coworkers, and this doesn't mean you won't love them or have a "work family", it just means that you draw a line/boundary of your True Self and your Professional Self.  They are different people and should not share the same comfort level with all you walk with in this life.

While quarantined, I've made it a fighting point (and fighting my OCD perfectionist self it was) to deep-clean every spot of my place and declutter EVERYTHING!  It's taken a long time, even for a one bedroom and one bath, because I'm literally turning EVERYTHING over!  I am a perfectionist, and I need to take several breaks because this process has been very overwhelming.  Working from Home is what sort of propelled me into this, and forced me to start this entire process.  I cannot Work from Home in a cluttered, dirty space.  It's just not something I can navigate or process.  My depression had gotten so bad, I had neglected to care for my personal space and therefore I am now making up for that time period and loving myself and my home with TLC.  Slowly but surely, I will succeed.

This is Part One.  I hope this resonates with you.

XX  Melissa

Years Go By...And I Still Can't Talk About It.

Cue the song that plays over and over in my head, "So I Thought" by Flyleaf.  It resonates so well with the past for me, I cannot listen to this song without a flood of emotions that make me want to curl into a ball and cry.  I love this song, it's beautiful, but it makes me so very sad.  How incredibly cruel life and love can be, never able to fully be yourself and make mistakes  and fuck it all up without losing the love that surrounded you once as major consequence.  It hurts in places I can't reach to heal, and it makes any memories I had taste bitter like lemon left in your water for too long.  It's not refreshing, it's sour, and it hurts.  

I think what really pains me is the youth mistakes that I made and the time I'll never get back for it, however, isn't that what makes it all so beautiful, too?  I think my depression has a way of clouding the beauty of my failures and my memories have a way of only fixating on those times that seemed doting and perfectly in line with "love".  There's so many reasons to be happy this moment and so many things that make life worth living right now!  It's a funny thing really how depression can trick us into staying sad and fixating on mistakes and the past tumultuous times.  There really is so much now to apply my lessons to and to be grateful that I'm still thriving and alive.  I sort of believe, or rather, I like to believe that everything does happen for a reason and also what is meant to be yours will always be yours.  And what's not simply will not.  That gives me comfort and a huge heart flutter of love and love for God in my heart.  

I'm feeling a little more upbeat today than I have been and I'm really happy about it, thank God!

No Longer a Twenty-Something, but a Thirty-Something

This blog feels like home.  The cover is outdated (top picture poorly photo shopped of my favorite things at the time) and the theme is a little 2011-cliche, but I still feel butterflies when I come back here to write because it's where my drive and desire to be somebody all started.  It's where I visually posted my dreams, wrote from my heart, and where I lusted and coveted my favorite fashion pieces of the moment.  I'm not even sure why I come back here, since I have a WordPress now, but I don't feel like WordPress is home.  This sweet little spot is mine, all mine, and it just feels right.  Maybe it's because when I made this blog I really wanted so badly the Louis Vuitton Speedy 30 because I thought it would elevate me (it did in some ways), and now that I have one, I'm wearing it today ironically (fresh out of storage over the weekend), I come here and I feel a sense of accomplishment.  Even superficially, it feels good. But I know I've accomplished even more than that, as this blog is a reflection of my twenties and all the chaos that went down with it.  It's been through every relationship, every hurt, every purchase, and everything in between the ups and downs of a twenty-something young woman.  Here I am typing, I'll be thirty-two this year, and I envy my naive twenty-something self.  She didn't know she'd end up here, half alive and half dead inside with a severe mounting depression and several heart shatters later.  I've got a few gray hairs I don't bother plucking anymore, I hardly make the effort to slap on makeup daily, and my hair is never perfectly polished like I'd dreamed it would be by now.  Yep, almost thirty-two and I still don't have my "shit together".  What the fuck does that even mean anymore anyways?  My rent is paid, my bills are paid, my family is somewhat alive still, and I have my health...a little.  At least that's some shit that is actually together.  I guess I figured I'd find a day when everything felt accomplished and everything felt "in its place".  I haven't.  Almost 10 years have flown by (and I do mean flown) and I'm still as lost as ever inside.  The things I thought I wanted, I don't even know if I ever did, and the people I thought would always be there aren't.  It's like I'm starting completely over and that is very scary.  I feel manic and unhappy most days at work when I have no reason to be anything but grateful.  For some reason I just cannot find the luster or spark of joy in the simple things anymore.  I wasted a whole weekend online window-shopping instead of stimulating my surroundings and loved ones and sharing a beautiful weekend memory with them.  I feel ashamed, I feel scared, and I feel embarrassed.  The key is within me and yet I've lost the fucking key.  What are we if we are not our habits?  I desperately (I hate using this word, but it's true here) want to fight for the life I've day-dreamed about for most of my young adult life.  I want it all, and I don't want to add a "but" in here ...I just want to make it happen!  Currently trying to pull myself together this Monday, write down some to-do's, and hold myself accountable.  I know I can do this, I've just got to pull into my soul and find the passion I've lost and haven't regained.  It can't just disappear forever, if it was ever there in the first place, it's still there.  

No Love, No Love, Aye

Honestly, DOAF87 is HOME to my soul. I don't care that it's attached to Blogger, I love coming here...where no one knows about it really in my life and I can just vent and talk--and just use this platform as a sort of therapy for my heart and soul. So, that #fuckboy resurfaced recently. MONTHS of NO communication and a fucking random ass text to fuck up my day. Of course it was thrilling to hear from him, he even sent some selfies...and DAMN he looked GOOD. It sucks that I still have these feelings for someone that doesn't obvi give a flying monkey shit about me...I mean he opened up a little about some things he was going through, and he asked about me and was sure as hell very interested in my sexual life and my recent hook ups...he kept asking...not believing me when I told him I was celibate. I've been celibate since HIM. And I guess that's what he wanted to hear, but he sure as hell has been exploring Colorado like it's an end of the world revolution and his dick NEEDS to be bounced on or something. Sorry for the language, but I can be real here...right? 

Honestly I was detached and it felt good hearing from him. Like an old song on the radio that used to be your party jam, it feels good to hear it every now and again--but not every day. It was kind of like that...except the next few days I felt entitled to text him good morning(s) and goodnight(s) and I could tell he was back to his usual self--just temporarily using me when no one else was around to be vulnerable with (because I'm good at listening and helping people through vulnerable times)...but then he's right back to being an ass. He mentioned coming home in September and I was like "aww that's nice, you visiting your mom?" Because...yeah. But then he insinuated he wanted to see me when he comes home. And my mind was like FUUUUCK I've gained weight and been a depressed little bumble bee for months on end now--that gives me like 3 months (barely) to prepare...I just want to blow him away when he sees me. Not that looks are everything, but the more confident I feel, the better off that sitch will be in my opinion. UGHHH why are fuckboys so goddamn fineee? -M

Happy Birthday - Coming Soon

These are all the things I am lusting over to start my "new year"! :) #28AndFabulous  XO

wishes on wishes on wishes

Totally starting overtime right NOW to purchase this beautiful LV bag! I need to sell my designer bags I simply do not wear anymore! I need this bag in my life!!! xo